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Okay. So why haven’t I talked about this subject yet? Because it’s scary as heck. There are a lot of secret feelings about to be unleashed. Feelings only Markus knew. Somethings I just couldn’t talk to anyone else about. I will probably shed a tear or two, “reliving” some of these feelings, because they so aren’t relevant anymore. I also didn’t want to write this blog, because I don’t want people to say “why did you never tell me?”, “how could you even feel that way?”. I know I’m not the only one that had some of these feelings, but in the moment, it definitely felt like it. #momguilt, through the roof. Also, I may chicken out a little bit, but there will be more posts on this topic, and I promise to open up more. For now, here is my story, summarized.
I promise this won’t all be a Debbie downer blog, because pregnancy is freaking beautiful. Like, women are insane, our bodies are insane, and we are too gosh dang hard on ourselves. So here is to you, mama. If you’re absolutely killin’ it, if you are going through a rough patch, or you’re simply in survival mode. This is to you. You got this. Stay confident. I am here for you.
Alright, let’s start off with. YES. Oliver was 100% planned. We wanted them to be close in age, we wanted them to be able to go to school together, and secretly think they’ll dominate at sports in high school together. Lol okay, maybe they won’t play sports, their choice. But you catch my drift.
When I say Oliver was 100% planned, I mean we knew we were going to start trying after Coopers 1stbirthday, but we hadn’t quite felt ready that day, ha, one year olds are exhausting (so I thought, send help now). I remember sitting in the Starbucks drive through, sometime early April, having THE TALK, the “when should we start trying?” talk. We asked questions like, “are we ready?”, “What if it takes longer to get pregnant this time?”, “How will Cooper react?”, “Is Cooper to young, or is this the perfect age?”. There were so many questions. We decided we could start trying, because we didn’t think we would get pregnant one the first try (again lol), I wasn’t prepping my body with a prenatal like last time, I wasn’t eating my healthiest, we were just getting settled into a new area, but we are blessed.
So that night, I’m pretty sure we got pregnant. Like I said, blessed that we don’t struggle with fertility. One thing we did know is, we are a two and DONE family, so this would be our last pregnancy (knock on wood lol).
Fast forward a couple weeks, Markus was out in the field or where ever the Army took him. I had ZERO patience, I was emotional, I was breaking out, I was snappy with Cooper, I was ANGRY, I…was…pregnant. Lol I remember complaining to Markus all the time (what’s new? Idk how he puts up with me sometimes). I remember coming downstairs after putting Cooper to sleep, and just completely losing it, I wanted to scream, I wished I had a punching bag or something to take it all out on, I was upset. So, smart me, dug through my bathroom cabinets the next day, and found a pregnancy test from when we were trying for Cooper, and BAM, a plus sign. IT ALL MADE SENSE. So I loaded up Cooper, looking like I was driving to Walmart, but was actually going to Target (my outfit was straight fire, jk, it was NOT), bought more pregnancy tests, and a “BEST BROTHER” shirt. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t tell Markus over the phone, so I told him that Cooper has something to tell him, and we need to FaceTime when he can. He asked “what did Cooper do?” lol. I am glad that was his first thought. So, my best friend Haylea FaceTimed me that day, and we were just having casual conversation about life, and babies, I told her we were “trying” again, because she asked when we were going to start again, then she looked surprised, and asked if I was pregnant. HA. How could I lie to her?! So, she knew before Markus. Sorry.
FINANLLY, I was able to talk to Markus, told him Cooper had something to tell him. He wore his shirt, and I said “COOPER IS GONNA BE A BIG BROTHER!” then I sobbed. So many emotions. Mostly happy, but the mom guilt kicked in way faster than I wanted it to.
I immediately just wanted to cuddle Cooper all the time, because it wasn’t just going to be him forever, I felt BAD, because I wasn’t giving him enough time to be an only child. I had so much guilt it actually made my heart hurt, I feel it writing this again. “How is my heart going to love another child as much as I love Cooper?” anyone else? NORMAL.
I won’t lie to you, I had to take a break writing this… for almost a week. On top of the world just being insane, this was also hard to write about. BUT WE BACK.
All throughout the pregnancy, I was ragey, I was upset, I had so so much guilt, and so much anxiety, I also had good moments, but very few, it was hard to keep myself distracted. I didn’t even tell Markus about these feelings for quite a few months. I mentally deal with a lot of things with myself, I don’t talk very easily.
After I talked to Markus, I became a pretty open book, but only if people asked “how are you doing?”. My response would be along the lines of “I’ve been better.”, “I’m alright.” Or “this pregnancy is definitely a lot different.” Those are response that are a pretty big step for me. I usually hide those feelings with an “I’m good”. Who’s with me?
After a couple weeks of openly feeling this way, I talked to my doctor about it, I got referred to a therapist, and started going to see here 1-2 times a month, but if you know anything about our lifestyle, Markus leaves often, for long periods of time, and I don’t have a village that helps me with my children, that are super close anyway. So I was unable to continue my therapy appointments.
Throughout this process I did learn a couple things to help calm me down, breathing techniques, stopping myself when I felt like it was escalating, but sometimes that wouldn’t always work. Sometimes I would scream, I’d throw a shoe when everyone would walk out of the room, I felt like I couldn’t escape myself sometimes.
Finding resources like this, other blogs, research helped me realize I wasn’t alone, this is all normal. It just didn’t feel normal, for me. My first pregnancy I was happy, I felt like I was glowing, I couldn’t wait to do it again someday.
SCEEEEEERCH, this pregnancy made that feeling come to a halt.
I get asked multiple times by the same people “when we are you having #3?”, and it drives me up the wall. They know I hated pregnancy, “maybe the next one will be better”, “you have to try for a girl.”,” maybe you’ll have twins next”. Absolutely not, and I might lose it if I get asked again. So please, if you have friends that had this same feeling, it’s not a joke, they do not think it’s funny, they are tired of hearing it.
I STILL have guilt feeling this way, because now that we have two children, I am in AWE a majority of the time. They are perfect. So let’s get into the birth and after birth experience, shall we?
I remember lying in bed 40 weeks pregnant, with an induction date set, thinking I’m going to feel this way FOREVER. Lol dramatic, I know, but it honestly feels like forever. Markus was in the room playing video games, then I started having the urge to pee, every 5 minutes. Queue my excitement, this is EXACTLY what happened with Cooper, except this time, I wasn’t having contractions, at least none that I could feel.
This went on for about 5 hours. Then…drumroll my water BROKE. While lying in bed, at about 1:15 AM, but still no contractions. I had no idea what to do, this was 100% different then last time, STILL. I called the hospital, because I was GSB positive, and needed antibiotics 4 hours before Oliver could come out safely. She told me to take a shower, load the bags, and head on in. I didn’t shower, I was to paranoid that this babe was going to come way faster, but I also wasn’t ready to leave Cooper.
Thankfully (lol psych) Cooper still doesn’t sleep through the night, and woke up while everything was happening. So my mom, Markus, Cooper and I all headed to the hospital shortly after.
All of my perinatal depression and anxiety was leaving my body, I was SO READY. It was such a wild feeling. When we checked in, there were multiple women there ready to have their babies! The first thing the front desk said was “ANOTHER ONE?!” lol sorry?? I wasn’t in triage for long, before being fully admitted and started on my antibiotics, my nurse was convinced this baby was going to fly out of me.
Cooper and Markus cuddled in the extra bed in the room, after my mama took care of him for a while, while I got settled. Once he woke up, they spent the rest of the time outside of the laboring room, which I was surprisingly okay with. Cooper had been so good, I think he knew what was happening, and he wasn’t terrified about it. Which helped my emotions so much.
About 10 hours later, Oliver arrived. I realized I could love another baby, I realized all the worry wasn’t actually worth it. Cooper came in the room, and almost immediately took on his role of big brother, and my heart grew. I’m tearing up thinking about it.
I know this was lengthy, but I hope you know, if you are feeling the same way, I am here for you. Those feelings are completely okay to have. You are not alone, although you may feel like it.
I could have gone into so much more details, but I think it’d turn into a book. Lol I want to say thank you to those of you that did know, those of you that knew, but didn’t know the details, and those of you that were there without knowing my struggles. Find your people, find a few that you’re comfortable talking about it with, find someone that is going through it to. Find ME, I’ve been there, I’ll help. Promise <3
Also, if you are suffering from PPD or PPA, please reach out for help, there is no reason to do that alone. You, mama, need to be healthy, for your children, they need YOU. Don’t you forget that.
Stay Confident <3